On the Incline?
About three weeks ago I began taking a supplement that was mentioned on a PBS program on "Body Blues." It's a combination of Vitamin D, Thiamine (B-1), Riboflavin (B-2), Pyridoxine (B-6), Folic Acid and Selenium. I can't believe the change I've experienced in that time. I'm still irritable and craving seclusion but the depression I had been mired in is gone! I'm starting to look recognizable to myself. It's truly amazing. I don't know how long it will last or whether or not it really is the supplement that is responsible--I'm just glad for the relief I'm feeling in the present. . .

Fri, 20 Jun 2003 Social Obligations
We've been invited to a party tomorrow night for a friend--someone I like very much and have missed terribly since she moved away several months ago. And yet, I dread going. I'm so inwardly focused right now that all I want to do is crawl into a cocoon and become as much of a hermit as possible--read, think, read, think, be alone. Not an easy task when one lives within a family structure. I can't do much about that but I can keep my social engagements to a minimum whenever possible. Unfortunately, at this particular time, it is not possible. So I must put on my smiling face and engage in endlessly boring small talk and pretend that all is right with the world and that I'm happy to be there.

Tue, 17 Jun 2003 Above it All?
I have to admit to feeling quite lost and unsure of where to turn or what to do to come clear. The strange thing is, I wasn't expecting it. I had heard of friends and relatives who had been experiencing menopausal symptoms but I thought I was "above it all." I thought I would be one of those women who would just sail through it, with few, if any symptoms. The joke's on me, isn't it?

The insomnia is the worst. I'm feeling fatigued already. Throw lack of sleep on top of that and it's almost debilitating. I have begun a regimen of vitamin B and other supplements. I only hope they'll help.

It's hell being a woman.

Mon, 16 Jun 2003 Longings
As I drove my daughter to her summer camp program this morning, feeling all the while like an automaton--dead inside, lifeless, a robot in flesh and blood--I noticed an old, run-down trailer by the side of the road. I began to fantasize about how wonderful it would be to live in such a place--an old trailer or a small cabin--deep in the forest, alone, with no responsibilities for anyone but myself, and I began to smile and feel hopeful. I even thought about what I would call my cabin in the woods: my HDT-HRT cabin (Henry David Thoreau-Hormone Replacement Therapy). Perhaps what I need is a few days alone in a cabin in the woods, perhaps that will be my therapy for my declining hormones. :-) It couldn't hurt. . .

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 Isolation
Until I found a Menopause forum on the web, I'd been feeling as though something was terribly wrong with me. Friendships that I've had for twenty plus years suddenly aren't working any more. I'm looking around at the friends in my life and wondering why I've remained friends with them as long as I have. It's frightening because I've always been someone who has always had wonderful friendships and who has always placed a very high value on friendship.

I've been wondering what was going on and what I should do about it. I now realize that I don't necessarily have to do anything about it. I can simply enjoy my isolation and use it to my advantage to learn and grow in a different direction. If my friends are still there when I come out, fine, if not, that's fine too

Fri, 13 Jun 2003 The Beginning of the End
About six months ago, at the age of 42, a switch was turned on (or, more appropriately, turned off). As I read through the various discussion topics in a Menopause forum, it's like looking at a laundry list of my life right now: "Am I Losing My Mind?" "Mood Swings/Anger/Rage," "Anxiety," "Depression," "Insomnia," "Memory Loss/Forgetfullness."

The usually happy, confident, intelligent, peaceful, easy going, content, highly sexual woman who was me has been replaced by someone I don't know--and don't much like. . . Someone who is discontent, irritable, unhappy, angry, tired all the time, tearful much of the time, scatter-brained, not much interested in sex and lacking in confidence. Who IS that woman in the mirror?

I am definitely NOT prepared for this. I just want it all to go away. It's terrible to feel so out of control of your own life, your own body, your own mind, heart and spirit.

From reading through the discussions in the forum and listening to other women who have been through it, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I only wonder if I'm brave enough and strong enough to make my way through the darkness to the light at the other end. . .

And I wonder who I will find there.

I'm moving a blog over from another site so I'll start at the beginning for the sake of continuity. . .